A Man And His Alligator
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator
up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll
open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.
Then the
gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll
remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you
will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood
up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's
open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After
a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the
top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals
unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks
were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll
pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell
over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman
timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit
me on the head with the beer bottle
Lifes Reflections
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm
not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm
in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure
out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the
full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but
I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a
dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an
idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape.
My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and
we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in
a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them
One
out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They
show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've
got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest
problem.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said,
"I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
Arthur Davidson In Heaven
Arthur Davidson, of Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and
went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a
good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is this; you
can hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced
him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God
said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency
in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3.
Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The
intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs
are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God.
"Hold on." God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words and
waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read
it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but
according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours...."!
Information To Ponder
Counter Steering
If you push the left bar, the bike goes left.
If
you push the right bar, the bike goes right.
That is, unless you keep pushing
the right bar all the way, then you will probably go left while the bike swaps
ends.
Crashing
Remember riding isn't inherently dangerous...crashing
is.
The Sidelines
It's always better to be on the sidelines
wishing you were on the track than on the track wishing you were on the
sidelines.
Fuel
The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're
on fire.
Rear Wheel
The rear wheel is just a big fan used
to keep the rider cool and his butt relaxed. If in doubt... watch. When it locks
up or slides out you can actually see the rider start sweating and pucker marks
are left on the seat.
Too Slow
No one has ever hit something
too slow.
Rides
A 'good' ride is one you can walk away from.
A
'great' ride is one you can walk away from and use the bike again.
Getting
Hit
They can't hit you if you're not there.
Mistakes
Learn
from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
all of them yourself.
Traction
When traction is sparse, the probability
of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of lean. Large angle
of lean, small probability of survival and vice versa.
Your Brain
Never
let a motorcycle take you somewhere your brain didn't go five seconds
earlier.
Fog
Stay out of fog. The single red taillight you think
is another rider ahead that you can catch, might be the red starboard light
of a docked boat.
Parking
Always try to keep the number of times
you park the bike equal to the number of times you've ridden it.
Luck
& Experience
You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience.
The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of
luck
Mirrors
If all you can see in your mirrors is the direction
you were previously traveling intermingled with sparks, and all you can hear
is commotion from the passenger riding pillion; things are not at all as they
should be.
Other Objects
In the ongoing battle between objects
made of metal, rubber and plastic going dozens of miles per hour, and the ground
going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. Same holds for cars,
trucks, walls and most animals. Draws don't count.
Judgements
Good
judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from
bad judgment.
Going Forward
It's always a good idea to keep the
headlight end going forward as much as possible.
Looking
Keep
looking around. There's always something you've missed.
Laws
Remember,
gravity and centrifugal force are not just good ideas. They're laws not
subject to repeal.
Christmas Gifts
A boy, on his shiny new red bike he got for Christmas, pulled up next to a
mounted policeman .
The cop looks down from his horse and says "Nice bike
you got there. Did Santa bring it for you?"
The boy replies, "Yes he did."
The
cop says, "Next time ask Santa for a tail light for that bike."
"Ok,"
says the kid.
Before pulling off the boy says, "Nice horse you got
there. Did Santa bring it for you?"
Humoring the boy, the cop says, "Yes."
The
boy says, "Well next year ask Santa to put the dick under the horse
instead of on the top."
The Train Ride
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment
and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, the man in the upper berth, and the woman
in the lower berth.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes
the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?"
The
woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a better idea. Just
for tonight let's pretend that we are married."
The man happily says, "OK.
Brilliant!"
The woman says "Good ... get your own blanket."
Lubricant
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline
over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is
having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her
house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner
tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago
about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at
dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how
she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody
is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend,
throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified
when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes
later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance.
Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little
happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a
sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers
his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this,
his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH
ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
St Peter
Bikers Malcolm, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven.
St.
Peter walked up to Malcolm and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your
wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Malcolm thought for a moment and
replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you
may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little
green Suzuki over there."
St.
Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered,
"Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said
St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the red 600
Kawasaki Ninja.
St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question.
Without pause, Rod answered, "Never!"
St. Peter peered at him quizzically
and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied.
"Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be riding
that gold Ducati 996."
Grinning from ear to ear, Rod approaches the
bike, but when he reaches the beautiful Ducati, he suddenly lays his head on the
tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?
You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven,
and you will be riding a choice Ducati for the rest of eternity." Rod replied
between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa?
That's
my wife!"
Golf
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their
wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the
English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in
a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing
any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for
her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me
so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The
Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's
$10. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes
further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and
landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing
that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he
angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling,"
she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With
that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket
and said, "Here's $5. Go to Walmart and get some knickers."
Three holes
further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped
up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no
knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply
a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his
pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
My Motorcycle has never let me down.
A Motorcycle never leaves the seat up.
A Motorcycle will go as
fast as you want, as long as you want without finishing before you're ready.
A
Motorcycle will let you ride as many times in one day as you want.
Your Motorcycle won't get embarrassed for making noise right along
with you.
You are always in control without having to hear any complaints
or grumbles.
You can just be satisfied with one position.
Motorcycles
go with your mood.
You can ride a motorcycle
and it will last longer than a woman.
Motorcycles keep going until
we have arrived together.
Your bike doesn't care what time of the month
we are in.
9
Your bike doesn't have a spare tire.
Motorcycles
are better then women because they don't make you do something perverted
just because you are wearing leather.
Motorcycles are better than
women because they have a kill switch.
Motorcycles are better than
women because there is nothing quite like having nothing but horsepower throbbing
between your legs.
When motorcycles spring a leak the only place
it splashes is on the road
When you grip a motorcycle with your
thighs it doesn't think you're being kinky.
Motorcycles will never
tell you it's time to stop riding and settle down.
Motorcycles can't
get you pregnant.
Motorcycles know when it's too cold to ride.
Motorcycles don't ask you to cook dinner.
Motorcycles don't roll over
and pass out after you've gone for a ride
What Kind Of Biker Are You?
1) When you ride by a cop, do you expect: a) A return of your friendly
wave b) A day in traffic school c) A high-speed chase
2)What type
of motorcycle training have you had? a) MSF and ERC b) Superbike school c) Bike
dealer showed me how to shift
3)Proper riding attire is: a) Aerostich
suit b) Torn red, white, and blue racing leathers c) Oakley blades
4)Which
do you spend the most money on? a) Gas b) Tires c) Plastic
5)How
did you pay for your bike: a) Cash b) Credit c) Mom)
6)Who
is your favorite famous motorcyclist? a) Malcom Forbes b) Eddie Lawson c) Mike
Tyson
7) Do you pass other vehicles: a) Only when legal b) Only
when safe c) By forcing them off the road
8)What was the first modification
to your bike? a) Premium tires b) A loud exhaust c) A neon paint job
9)When
you give someone their first ride on a motorcycle, they: a) Compliment
you on what an enjoyable time they had b) Clutch your stomach with a
death grip c) Invariably fall off
10) After a close call, do you: a)
Evaluate what you can do to avoid this in the future b) Promise yourself you'll
settle down c) Brag to your friends
11). A helmet should be: a)
DOT or SNELL approved b) Replaced after a crash c) Bungied to the back of the bike
12) Riding in groups can be advantageous because: a) It makes you
more visible to other motorists b) There is always help when someone crashes
c) There is always someone to race
13) Which is the worse accident
you've had: a) Tipped bike over on steep driveway b) Low-speed fall in gravel-filled
turn c) Rear-ended police cruiser
14) Which calendar do you
own: a) Honda Street Rage b) GP Racers c) Bikes, Babes, and Bikinis
15)
A pre-ride inspection consists primarily of: a) Checking the operation of
the controls and the condition of the brakes b) Checking the tires and footpegs
to see how far over you're getting c) Checking your hair in the mirror
16)
When sitting at a stoplight you should: a) Keep your hands on the controls
and scan your mirrors b) Try to anticipate the green light c) Rev the engine
to attract attention
17) Is your speed governed by: a) The posted
speed limit b) The laws of physics c) Who's around to show off to.
18)What
motorcycling skill do you most value? a) Counter steering b) Hanging
off c) Burnouts
Analysis of answers:
If you answered (a) to most questions, you are the consummate gentleman biker.
Regardless of the marque you ride, you are consistently kind to children,
animals, and other living creatures. You contribute generously to charity, and
attend the annual Policeman's Ball without fail. You ride to work in a three-piece
suit, protected by your Aerostich riding gear. If you answered (b) to most
questions, you are an avid rider who truly feels the need for speed. You are keenly
concerned with trying to identify new riding techniques that will put you
at the front of the pack, and enjoy practicing late braking, late apexing, and
late nights with equal enthusiasm. If you answered (c) to most questions, you are
more than likely the quintessential squid. Uninsurable, and loved only by yourself
and Mom, not even a sledgehammer could knock sense into your thick skull.
If Bikers Ran The Country
The wearing of ties to work by men would be frowned on, as would the
wearing of bras and panties for women.
The opening days of Sturgis
and Daytona would be national holidays.
Third world dictators would
be dealt with in the same manner as one would deal with a wino who just puked
on his scoot.
All money from traffic violations would go into a huge
keg fund.
Anyone who used a firearm to defend his home or property
from vandals would have a street named after him.
Tattoos would be
funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.
The money currently
being spent on Mars probes and other useless junk would be used to fund research
into finding the cure for the common hangover.
Sexual harassment
laws would be more open to interpretation and would allow for the fact that most
men are really basically just pigs.
Global warming would be encouraged
since riding in the snow is such a pain in the ass.
Biker Wisdom
Midnight Bugs taste Best
Saddlebags can never hold everything you
want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
NEVER argue with a
woman holding a torque wrench.
Never try to race an old Geezer, he
may have one more gear than you.
Home is where your Bike sits still
long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
You'll get
farther down the road if you learn to use more than two fingers on the front brake.
Routine maintenance should never be neglected.
It
takes more love to share the saddle than it does to share the bed.
The
only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
Never
be afraid to slow down.
Only Bikers understand why dogs love to
stick their heads out car windows.
Harley's don't leak oil; they mark
their territory.
Never ask a biker for directions if you're in
a hurry to get there.
Don't ride so late into the night that you sleep
through the sunrise.
Pie and Coffee are as important as gasoline.
Sometimes it takes a whole tankful of gas before you can think straight.
If you want to get a job, you may have to compromise your
principals. You may even have to shave.
Riding faster than everyone
else only guarantees you'll ride alone.
Never hesitate to ride past
the last street light at the edge of town.
Never mistake Horsepower
for staying power. A good rider has balance, judgment, and good timing. So does
a good lover.
A cold hamburger can be reheated quite nicely by
placing it in the crotch between the two cylinders.
Never do less then
Forty miles before breakfast.
If you don't ride in the rain-you
don't ride.
A Harley on the road is worth 2 in the shop.
Respect
the person who has seen the Dark side of motorcycling and lived.
Young
riders pick a destination and go... Old riders pick a direction
and go.
A good wrench will let you watch without charging you for it.
Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
Always back your bike into the curb-and sit where you can see it.
Work to ride-Ride to work.
Whatever it is, it's better
in the wind.
Two lane blacktop isn't a highway-it's a mindset.
When
you look down the road, it seems to never end-but you better believe
it does.
A biker can smell a party 2500 miles away.
Winter
is Natures way of telling you to polish.
Keep your bikes in
good repair.
riding boots are NOT comfortable for walking.
People
are like Harleys, each is customized a bit differently.
If
the bike ain't braking properly, you don't start by rebuilding the engine.
Remember
to pay as much attention to your partner as you do your carburetor.
Sometimes the best communication happens when you're on separate
bikes.
Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
Good
coffee should be indistinguishable from 60 weight motor oil.
The
best alarm clock is sunshine on Chrome.
Learn to do counterintuitive
things that may someday save your butt.
The twisties- not
the superslabs- separate the bikers from the squids.
When you're riding
lead--don't spit.
If you really want to know what's going on,
watch what's happening at least 5 cars ahead.
Don't make a reputation
you'll have to live down or run away from later.
If the person in
the next lane at the stoplight rolls up the window and locks the door, support
their view of life by snarling at them.
A friend is someone who'll
get out of bed at 2am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere to get you
when you're broken down.
If she changes her oil more than she changes
her mind--follow her.
If you want to get somewhere before sundown,
you can't stop at every tavern.
There's something ugly about a
NEW Harley on a trailer.
Don't lead the pack if you don't know where
you're goin'.
Sleep with one arm thru the spokes and keep your pants
on.
Practice wrenching on your own bike.
Everyone crashes.
Some get back on. Some don't. Some can't.
Beware the biker
who says the bike never breaks down.
Some bikes run on 99-octane ego.
Owning 2 bikes is useful because at least one can be raided for
parts at any given time.
You'll know she loves you if she offers to
let you ride her bike. Don't do it and she'll love you even more.
Don't
argue with an 18-wheeler.
Never be ashamed to unlearn an old
habit.
Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
A good
long ride can clear your mind, restore your faith, and use up a lot of gasoline.
If the countryside seems boring, stop, get off your bike, and
go sit in the ditch long enough to appreciate what was here before the asphalt
came.
re important than the other.
Patience is the ability
to keep your motor idling when you feel like stripping your gears.
If
you can't get it goin' with bungee cords and electricians tape-it's serious.
If you ride like there's no tomorrow-there won't be.
Bikes
parked out front mean good chicken-fried steak inside.
If
you want to complain about the pace being set by the road captain, you better be
prepared to lead the group yourself.
Gray-haired bikers don't get
that way from pure luck.
There are drunken bikers. There are old bikers.
There are NO old, drunken bikers.
Thin leather looks good in
the bar, but it won't save you from "road rash" if you go down.
The
best modifications cannot be seen from the outside.
Always replace
the cheapest parts first.
You can forget what you do for a living
when your knees are in the breeze. No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the
same wind.
It takes both pistons and cylinders to make a bike run.
One is not mo
Murphy's Laws Of Biking
1)A motorcycle cannot fall over without an audience.
2)The odds
of a motorcycle falling over are directly proportional to the size of the audience
and of the owner's ego. (Newness and expense of the bike are contributing
factors.)
3)Motorcycles are to yellow bugs as aircraft carriers once
were to Kamikaze pilots.
4)You will not feel the need to go to the
restroom until after you have put on your rainsuit.
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